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BAND 5.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF ANNUAL EARNINGS OF CALGARY BAKERIES FROM 2000 TO 2010

Explore IELTS essay samples with a band score of 5.0. Detailed income analysis of three Calgary bakeries: Amandine, Mari, and Bolo, from 2000 to 2010. Understand the financial trends of these establishments over a decade. Useful for IELTS preparation.

Writing Task

The graph shows data about the annual earnings of three bakeries in Calgary, 2000-2010.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

The line graph illustrates how much money the tree bakery which are located in Calgary including Amandine, Mari and bolo bakery earning in years between 2000 and 2010.the unites measured by $. Overall, At first point start Bolo had the lowest income and Marie had the highest one. Amandine and Bolo bakery had a upward trend while Mari bakery had a downward trend from 2000 to 2010. Mari and Amandine Bakery had 20000 $ and around 60000$ income at the first year respectively( year 2000)amandine bakery had a stable income to 2005 and it rose sharply to reach more than 100000 $ at the end of period. but Bolo bakery increased to 2003 by around 20000$ and after that it stay stable trend to 20006 around 400000$ . there was a sharp increase that followed by slight one to reach more than 60000 at 2010. on the other hand, Mari Bakery fluctuated around 80000 until 2004 . there was followed by sharp decrease to 2006 and after a slight increase in next year it fall to around 40000 in 2010.
Words: 180Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/18/2023, 03:01 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay presents the main trends of the bakeries' earnings over the decade, but lacks clear organization and logical flow. Paragraphs are not well-structured, and transitions between ideas are weak, leading to some confusion for the reader.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify numerical data presentation, ensuring consistency and clarity in describing trends and comparisons.
  • Improve the use of linking words and phrases to connect ideas and sentences smoothly, such as 'however,' 'in addition,' and 'as a result.'
  • Ensure that each sentence logically follows the previous one to create a coherent narrative, avoiding abrupt shifts in focus.
  • Use clear paragraphing to separate different ideas and trends. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea or comparison.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay uses a range of vocabulary related to trends, such as "upward trend," "sharp increase," and "fluctuated." However, there are frequent spelling and grammatical errors, such as "tree bakery" instead of "three bakeries," and "stay stable trend" instead of "remained stable." Some phrases are repetitive or awkward, like "sharp increase that followed by slight one."

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more complex sentence structures to enhance lexical variety.
  • Use more varied and precise vocabulary to describe trends, avoiding repetition.
  • Improve grammatical accuracy, ensuring subject-verb agreement and correct use of prepositions.
  • Correct spelling errors, such as "tree" to "three."

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a limited grammatical range with frequent errors in sentence structure, punctuation, and verb tense. Simple sentences dominate, and there is a lack of complex structures.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure subject-verb agreement and correct verb tense usage throughout the essay.
  • Review the use of articles ('the', 'a', 'an') and prepositions to improve accuracy.
  • Use a variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, to enhance grammatical range.
  • Pay attention to punctuation, especially with commas and periods, to avoid run-on sentences and fragments.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay provides a general overview of the trends in the earnings of three bakeries over a decade. It identifies major trends, such as the upward trend for Amandine and Bolo bakeries and the downward trend for Mari Bakery. However, some key details and comparisons are missing or unclear, affecting the overall task achievement.

Recommendations:

  • Use consistent formatting for currency and years, such as '$60,000' instead of '60000$' or 'year 2000.'
  • Include more specific data points and comparisons, such as how Amandine's income overtook Mari's in 2006.
  • Ensure consistency and accuracy in describing trends, such as stating Bolo's income increased steadily rather than 'staying stable.'
  • Clarify the initial income levels for each bakery with accurate figures. For example, Mari Bakery's income in 2000 was $80,000, not $20,000.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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