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BAND 5.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: COMPARISON OF FOREIGN STUDENTS STUDYING IN ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRIES IN 2004 AND 2012

Dive deep into our detailed guide explaining the hydro-power electricity generation process through an IELTS essay sample with a band score of 5.0. The essay demonstrates how sunlight-drawn sea water evaporation powers electrical energy production in a multi-stage process. Discover how water collection, electricity generation, transformation, and consumption are interconnected in this comprehensive analysis.

Writing Task

The bar chart and table show information about students from abroad studying in four English-speaking countries in 2004 and 2012.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 4.5 Scoring and Feedback

The diagram shows how electricity is generated from the hydro-power. Overall, the electrical power is produced through a complex process involving over ten stages. There are four distinct sections, including water collection, electricity generation, electricity transformation, and consumption. The process begins when the seawater is heated through exposing to sunlight and then evaporates to form small clouds in the sky. In the next stage, small clouds merge into larger ones and rain. The water is then collected in the reservoir behind the dam. Electricity generation section comprises a valve, pipeline, turbine, and pump station. After valve opening, water flows toward the turbine using the pipeline and rotates it to generate electrical power, after which water is recycled to reservoir using the pump. The generated electricity is transferred to the transformer station through the use of high voltage cables. The process ends when the electricity is delivered to several consumers, including houses, industrial plants, educational centers, and Hospitals.
Words: 157Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/19/2023, 05:48 AM

Coherence And Cohesion4.0

The essay describes a hydro-power electricity generation process instead of addressing the given prompt about foreign students in English-speaking countries. The structure is logical and clear, with distinct sections outlining the process. However, there's a lack of connection to the task prompt, which affects coherence and cohesion in the context of the task.

Recommendations:

  • Use appropriate linking words to connect different sections of the description, enhancing the flow between ideas.
  • Ensure the essay addresses the correct task prompt. Focus on the data provided in the bar chart and table about foreign students.
  • Organize information logically according to the task prompt, focusing on trends, comparisons, and key data points.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some subject-specific terms related to electricity generation. However, there are instances of repetition and some inaccuracies that affect the overall lexical resource.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure correct use of collocations, such as 'exposed to sunlight' instead of 'exposing to sunlight.'
  • Use varied vocabulary to avoid repetition, such as replacing 'electricity' with 'power' or 'energy' where appropriate.
  • Incorporate more precise terms related to the process, like 'condensation' instead of 'merge into larger ones' for clouds.
  • Include more varied sentence structures to naturally introduce diverse vocabulary.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and passive voice. It generally maintains accurate grammar usage, contributing to clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure consistent use of articles (e.g., 'the hydro-power' should be 'hydropower').
  • Vary sentence structures more to enhance complexity and demonstrate a wider range of grammatical forms.
  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and verb forms to maintain grammatical accuracy throughout.

Task Achievement3.0

The essay does not address the task prompt, which requires summarizing information from a bar chart and table about foreign students in English-speaking countries in 2004 and 2012. Instead, the essay describes a process of electricity generation from hydro-power, which is unrelated to the task.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure the essay directly addresses the task prompt by summarizing and comparing the provided data on foreign students in English-speaking countries.
  • Identify and report the main features of the bar chart and table, focusing on changes over time and differences among countries.
  • Include relevant comparisons based on the data to highlight trends and significant differences.
GRADED
4.5
Coherence and Cohesion:4.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:3.0
Band Score:4.5
Coherence and Cohesion4
Logical structure4
Introduction & conclusion present4
Supported main points4
Accurate linking words4
Variety in linking words4
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement3
Complete response3
Clear & comprehensive ideas3
Relevant & specific examples3
Appropriate word count4
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