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BAND 5.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYZING REASONS AND TIMING TO QUIT SMOKING - A COMPREHENSIVE REVIEW

Explore an IELTS essay sample about New Zealand's kiwi fruit exports to top five nations from 2010-2012. Learn how kiwi exports to Japan significantly outpaced other countries and understand the trends in kiwi fruit market.

Writing Task

The tables below show people's reasons for giving up smoking, and when they intend to give up.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 4.5 Scoring and Feedback

The values of kiwi fruit from New Zealand exports to five nations between 2010 and 2012 are shown in the table. Overall, it is evident that Japan was New Zealand’s largest export market. In addition, over the course of three years, the value of kiwi exports to Saudi Arabia fell significantly, while the reverse was recorded in the remaining countries. In 2010, exports of kiwi fruit to Japan were more than 270 million dollars, nearly three times that of China and ten times that of Saudi Arabia. This year, exports to Mexico and Russia brought in lesser money, with 1.2 million for Mexico and 968,000 dollars for Russia. By 2012, exports to Japan increased significantly and totalled more than 325 million dollars. A rise in the figures for China, Mexico, and Russia was also witnessed at $94 million, $3.3 million, and $2.4 million, respectively. However, in 2011, the value of kiwi exports to Saudi Arabia had only decreased to $106,000, and by 2012, it had reached $82,000.
Words: 167Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/18/2023, 01:39 AM

Coherence And Cohesion4.0

The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with clear topic sentences introducing each section. However, there is a lack of coherence between the given task prompt and the essay content, as the essay discusses kiwi fruit exports instead of reasons for giving up smoking. Within the essay itself, transitions between sentences are smooth, and linking words are used appropriately to compare data. However, the essay does not relate to the task prompt, which affects overall cohesion with the task.

Recommendations:

  • Maintain clear paragraphing for each main point related to the task prompt, ensuring each paragraph logically follows the previous one.
  • Use appropriate linking phrases to connect ideas directly related to the task, such as 'in comparison' or 'likewise' for discussing trends in smoking cessation.
  • Ensure the essay content matches the task prompt. Focus on the reasons for giving up smoking and the timing of intentions to quit.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay uses a range of vocabulary to describe the data, with some variety in word choice. However, there are occasional inaccuracies and repetitions that affect clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more precise adjectives or adverbs to enhance descriptions, like 'substantially' or 'dramatically' instead of 'significantly'.
  • Use more varied vocabulary to describe trends, such as 'decline' instead of 'fell significantly', or 'escalated' instead of 'increased significantly'.
  • Avoid repetition of phrases, such as 'exports to Japan' and 'kiwi exports'. Try using synonyms or rephrasing.
  • Ensure that vocabulary accurately reflects the data, such as using 'plummeted' for a dramatic decrease.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures and generally accurate use of grammar. It includes complex sentences and appropriate use of tenses, contributing to clear communication.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure consistent use of articles, especially before nouns (e.g., 'the value' instead of 'value').
  • Vary sentence structures more frequently to enhance flow and readability.

Task Achievement3.0

The essay does not address the given task prompt. Instead of discussing the reasons people give up smoking and their intended timelines, it describes the export values of kiwi fruit from New Zealand to various countries. The essay lacks a summary of the main features and comparisons relevant to the smoking data tables provided in the task prompt.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure the essay addresses the task prompt by focusing on the reasons for giving up smoking and the intended timelines as shown in the tables.
  • Summarize the main features of the tables, such as the most common reasons for quitting and the variations in intention to quit based on smoking levels.
  • Make relevant comparisons between different categories, such as comparing the reasons for quitting among different smoking levels.
GRADED
4.5
Coherence and Cohesion:4.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:3.0
Band Score:4.5
Coherence and Cohesion4
Logical structure4
Introduction & conclusion present4
Supported main points4
Accurate linking words4
Variety in linking words4
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement3
Complete response3
Clear & comprehensive ideas3
Relevant & specific examples3
Appropriate word count4
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