BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: SURVEY ANALYSIS ON REASONS FOR MOVING TO THE CAPITAL CITY

Explore our band 5.5 IELTS essay sample, discussing common reasons for relocating such as employment and study. Discover insights into moving for family reasons and gain an understanding of the role of adventure in migrations. An essential read for IELTS aspirants or those exploring lifestyle changes.

Writing Task

The line chart below shows the results of a survey giving the reasons why people moved to the capital city of a particular country.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 4.0 Scoring and Feedback

Nowadays,moving to other cities or countries is a very common things.The most reasons why people prefer going to staying is employment,study,family and a really small for adventure.First,start with employment this is a force majeure reason to moving to other cities that we can't against with.Employment is very important to human because employment can help people making money to buy food/funiture/clothes for normal life.Second,the next reason is study,study in good learning environment can help people so many things.We can help good friends, good knowledege,and a good job when we out of school.The next reason to move to other cities is family.When your family get a debt or a big money,people always want to move to other cities because it has more good enviroment for them and their family.And we can move to other cities because our relatives or parents live there,we want to take care them when they old ,that is a good purpose.The next reason is adventure but this so small,not much people want to move because they want to traval so that not much.Finally,thank you to listen to my essay.Love you!
Words: 182Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/14/2023, 09:27 AM

Coherence And Cohesion4.0

The essay lacks a clear logical structure and effective use of cohesive devices, leading to difficulties in understanding the flow of ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid informal phrases like 'Love you!' in academic writing to maintain formality.
  • Use linking words and phrases (e.g., 'Firstly,' 'Secondly,' 'In addition,' 'Furthermore') to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a main idea and supporting details, making it easier to follow the argument.
  • Organize the essay into clear paragraphs with distinct introduction, body, and conclusion sections.

Lexical Resource4.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some errors in word choice and collocation. There is a frequent repetition of words and phrases, and some informal language is used inappropriately.

Recommendations:

  • Use collocations correctly, such as 'make money' instead of 'making money.'
  • Use more precise language. For example, instead of 'a really small for adventure,' use 'a minor reason is adventure.'
  • Avoid informal language such as 'Love you!' in an academic essay.
  • Correct spelling errors such as 'funiture' to 'furniture' and 'enviroment' to 'environment.'
  • Expand your vocabulary by learning synonyms for common words like 'move' and 'reason' to avoid repetition.

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures with frequent errors in sentence construction, punctuation, and verb forms. Simple sentences dominate, and there is a lack of complex structures.

Recommendations:

  • Improve punctuation usage, such as using commas to separate items in a list and after introductory phrases.
  • Correct verb forms and tense consistency, e.g., 'making money' should be 'to make money'.
  • Use articles correctly, e.g., 'a really small for adventure' should be 'a really small number for adventure.'
  • Use a wider variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement in sentences, e.g., 'The most reasons why people prefer...' should be 'The main reasons why people prefer...'.

Task Achievement4.0

The essay attempts to address the task by discussing reasons for moving to the capital city, such as employment, study, family, and adventure. However, it lacks a clear summary of the main features from the line chart and fails to make relevant comparisons.

Recommendations:

  • Make relevant comparisons between different reasons for moving, highlighting any significant changes or patterns.
  • Avoid irrelevant information, such as personal opinions or informal language, to maintain task focus.
  • Provide an overview of the main trends shown in the chart, such as which reasons are most or least common over time.
  • Include specific data points from the chart to support the discussion of each reason for moving.
GRADED
4.0
Coherence and Cohesion:4.0
Lexical Resource:4.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:4.0
Band Score:4.0
Coherence and Cohesion4
Logical structure4
Introduction & conclusion present4
Supported main points4
Accurate linking words4
Variety in linking words4
Lexical Resource4
Varied vocabulary4
Accurate spelling & word formation4
Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4
Task Achievement4
Complete response4
Clear & comprehensive ideas4
Relevant & specific examples4
Appropriate word count4
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