BAND 5.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: COMPARISON OF CANADIAN WORKFORCE IN MAJOR INDUSTRIES - 1850 VS 2020

Discover insightful IELTS band 5.0 essay samples. This one analyses the evolution of Canada's workforce in major sectors from 1850 to 2020, highlighting shifts in manufacturing, services, agriculture, construction, and energy fields. Perfect for IELTS aspirants seeking exam-ready essays.

Writing Task

The bar chart shows the percentages of the Canadian workforce in five major industries in 1850 and 2020.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 4.0 Scoring and Feedback

The bar chart illustrates the percentage of Canada residents workforce in five major crafts (manufacturing, services, agriculture, construction, and energy) between 1850 and 2020 Overall, it is clear that services increased significantly. while manufacturing witnessed a rapid fall during the one hundred seventy years period. In 1850, Canadians workforce more in manufacturing (36%) in turn it decreased considerably ( 9%) in 2020. Moreover, fishing or agriculture fell from 22% to 1%, and energy or after from 3% to 1% respectively. On the other hand, the services workforce rose sharply ( 33% to 81%) and it was a big function. Also, construction rose slightly ( 5% to 8%) compared to services it was stable approximately. Because of the most common in my life I have been working on it and it is not a problem with the help of the most common theme of this is the first time in the world and the other
Words: 154Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/25/2023, 03:32 PM

Coherence And Cohesion4.0

The essay attempts to structure information clearly but struggles with coherence and cohesion due to abrupt transitions and lack of logical flow. The introduction and conclusion are present, yet there is a lack of clear linking devices and some sentences are disjointed.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details to improve the logical flow of information.
  • Use consistent terminology when referring to industries, such as 'agriculture/fishing' instead of 'fishing or agriculture' for clarity.
  • Use clear linking words and phrases to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs, such as 'however', 'furthermore', and 'in contrast'.
  • Avoid unrelated or confusing sentences, such as the last sentence, which disrupt the coherence of the essay.

Lexical Resource4.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary suitable for the task, but there are several areas where lexical resource could be improved. There are instances of inappropriate word choice (e.g., 'crafts' instead of 'industries') and awkward phrasing that affect clarity. Additionally, there is repetition of simple words and phrases, and some sentences are unclear due to poor word choice.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition by using synonyms or varying expressions, especially for words like 'increase' and 'decrease.'
  • Ensure word combinations are appropriate, such as 'energy or after' which seems incorrect.
  • Use more precise vocabulary related to industries instead of 'crafts.'
  • Clarify confusing sentences, particularly in the conclusion where the meaning is unclear.

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures but lacks complexity and contains several grammatical errors. Simple sentences are used frequently, and there are errors in punctuation, conjunctions, and sentence structure.

Recommendations:

  • Use a variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, to enhance grammatical range.
  • Avoid run-on sentences and ensure each sentence expresses a complete thought.
  • Correct punctuation errors, such as misplaced periods and commas, to improve clarity.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, as seen in 'Canadians workforce more in manufacturing,' which should be 'The Canadian workforce was more involved in manufacturing.'
  • Revise awkward or unclear phrases, such as 'Because of the most common in my life,' to improve coherence.

Task Achievement4.0

The essay addresses the task by describing changes in workforce percentages across five industries from 1850 to 2020. It highlights key trends, such as the increase in services and the decline in manufacturing and agriculture. However, the essay lacks clarity in some descriptions and includes irrelevant information at the end, which detracts from the task focus.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure all data presented is clear and accurate, and directly related to the bar chart.
  • Include a clearer summary of the main trends and comparisons without unnecessary details.
  • Remove irrelevant information unrelated to the data presented in the bar chart.
GRADED
4.0
Coherence and Cohesion:4.0
Lexical Resource:4.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:4.0
Band Score:4.0
Coherence and Cohesion4
Logical structure4
Introduction & conclusion present4
Supported main points4
Accurate linking words4
Variety in linking words4
Lexical Resource4
Varied vocabulary4
Accurate spelling & word formation4
Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4
Task Achievement4
Complete response4
Clear & comprehensive ideas4
Relevant & specific examples4
Appropriate word count4
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