BAND 4.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYZING E-COMMERCE PURCHASES IN CANADIAN INDUSTRIES FROM 2015-2019

Explore our comprehensive IELTS Band 4.5 essay sample on Ashdown Museum's visitor satisfaction levels before and after refurbishment. Discover how refurbishments impacted visitor counts and satisfaction rates, contributing to an increase from 45% to 75% in satisfied and very satisfied visitors.

Writing Task

The chart below shows the proportion of businesses making e-commerce purchases by industry in Canada between 2015 and 2019.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 4.0 Scoring and Feedback

The pie charts indicate the proportion of different satisfcation’s levels of visitors from Ashdown museum the year before and after refurbishment also the table shows the count of visitors during the mentioned time. From an overall perspective, it is apparent that the number of visitors increased about 2000 after refurbishment, and the countribution of people who were very satisfied and satisfied reached to 75% from 45%. The year before refurbishement, the total visitors of museum were 74000 that axactly half of them were not satisfied from museum, it means around 40% and 10% were disstisfied and very dissatisfied repectively. On the other hand, about 45% of visitors were in very satiesfied and satisfied category and 5% of visitores did not respond to the survey. One year after refurbishment, the contribution of very satisfied and satisfied visitors increased by 20% and 10% respectively. Moreover, the proportion of visitors who were very dissatisfied and dissatisfied
Words: 153Paragraphs: 3
Submitted: 7/20/2023, 03:37 PM

Coherence And Cohesion4.0

The essay lacks coherence and cohesion due to several issues, including unrelated content, lack of logical progression, and inadequate use of linking words.

Recommendations:

  • Use appropriate linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea related to the task prompt.
  • Ensure the content is relevant to the given task prompt. Focus on the chart about e-commerce purchases in Canada rather than museum satisfaction.
  • Organize the essay with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, ensuring logical progression of ideas.

Lexical Resource4.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary with several spelling errors and inappropriate word choices. The use of vocabulary is not always precise, and there are some repetitive phrases. Lexical resource could be improved by incorporating more varied and precise vocabulary.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more complex and varied sentence structures to enhance lexical resource.
  • Use more precise vocabulary to describe trends and comparisons, such as 'increase', 'rise', 'fall', 'decline', etc.
  • Avoid repetition of words like 'satisfied' and 'visitors' by using synonyms or rephrasing sentences.
  • Correct spelling errors such as 'satisfcation’s', 'countribution', 'axactly', 'disstisfied', 'satiesfied', and 'visitores'.

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures with frequent errors in sentence construction, punctuation, and spelling. Simple sentence structures are used predominantly, and there are several grammatical errors that impede understanding.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure consistency in verb tenses throughout the essay.
  • Use punctuation correctly to enhance clarity. For example, 'From an overall perspective, it is apparent' could be restructured for clarity.
  • Improve sentence structure by using a mix of complex and compound sentences. For example, instead of 'The pie charts indicate the proportion of different satisfcation’s levels of visitors,' try 'The pie charts illustrate the various levels of visitor satisfaction.'
  • Correct spelling errors such as 'satisfcation’s' to 'satisfaction's,' 'axactly' to 'exactly,' and 'disstisfied' to 'dissatisfied.'

Task Achievement3.0

The essay does not address the task prompt accurately. Instead of describing the chart about e-commerce purchases by industry in Canada, it discusses visitor satisfaction at a museum. There is no mention of the correct data or comparisons related to the chart provided.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure the response directly addresses the task prompt and describes the chart accurately.
  • Include key data and trends from the chart, such as changes in e-commerce purchases over time across different industries.
  • Make relevant comparisons between industries and over the years as shown in the chart.
GRADED
4.0
Coherence and Cohesion:4.0
Lexical Resource:4.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:3.0
Band Score:4.0
Coherence and Cohesion4
Logical structure4
Introduction & conclusion present4
Supported main points4
Accurate linking words4
Variety in linking words4
Lexical Resource4
Varied vocabulary4
Accurate spelling & word formation4
Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4
Task Achievement3
Complete response3
Clear & comprehensive ideas3
Relevant & specific examples3
Appropriate word count3
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