BAND 4.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF ROAD TRANSPORT STATISTICS IN EUROPEAN COUNTRIES

Explore an in-depth analysis of IELTS Band 4.5 essay sample. The study compares visitor traffic between Modern Sculpture exhibition and 20th Century Ephemera throughout a year. Discover trends, fluctuations and insights drawn from the data.</s>

Writing Task

The bar charts below give information on road transport in a number of European countries.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 4.0 Scoring and Feedback

The graph supplies a comparison of the figures for people who visited two exhibition every month, during a year. (Exhibition on Modern Sculpture and exhibition on 20th century Ephemera) Overall, the number of visitors to the 20th Century Ephemera was lower than the other exhibition (Modern Sculpture) although the figure for it has fluctuated. On the other hand, that of the Century Ephemera exhibition, first decreased, but then it regained its popularity. In January, the number of visitors to Modern Sculpture exhibition was higher at 100000, whereas that of 20th Century Ephemera stood at 40000. In the three months later, the figure for Modern Sculpture saw a sharp drop and remained the same during this time at 30000. In contrast, that of 20th Century Ephemera increased markedly by 60000. In March, the number of Modern Sculpture visitors rocketed from 20000 to 150000, while that of other exhibition fell to 40000 as same as the first month. During the seven months later, the number of visitors to this exhibition, first exceeded that of the other one, to approximately 160000, on April, but this figure declined significantly by 100000. On June, there was a significant reduction in the number of visitors to Modern Sculpture of nearly 50000, followed by this figure fluctuated during four later months. In the end, the number of this exhibition visitors grew up to well under 160000 in the last two months.
Words: 234Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/23/2023, 12:48 PM

Coherence And Cohesion4.0

The essay attempts to describe trends and comparisons between two exhibitions over a year. However, it lacks clear organization and logical flow, making it difficult to follow the analysis and conclusions.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition of phrases and ensure each sentence contributes new information or insight.
  • Use clear paragraphing to separate different points or time periods being discussed. Each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence.
  • Improve the use of cohesive devices to link ideas and sentences smoothly. Use connectors like 'however,' 'in contrast,' and 'moreover' appropriately.
  • Ensure that the introduction clearly states the purpose of the essay and outlines the structure to guide the reader.

Lexical Resource4.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempts to use less common words and phrases. However, there are instances of repetition and inappropriate word choices that affect clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion, such as 'consequently,' 'therefore,' or 'as a result.'
  • Expand vocabulary by incorporating more varied synonyms to avoid repetition, such as using 'attendance' instead of repeatedly saying 'number of visitors.'
  • Use more precise terms related to data description, like 'fluctuated' instead of 'fluctuated during four later months.'
  • Ensure correct word forms and collocations, such as 'increased markedly by 60000' should be 'increased significantly to 60000.'

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and some variety in sentence types. However, there are noticeable errors in prepositions, articles, and verb forms that occasionally hinder clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Review the use of articles, especially 'the' and 'a/an', to ensure they are used appropriately with nouns.
  • Ensure correct preposition usage, such as 'in' instead of 'on' for months (e.g., 'in June').
  • Clarify sentence structure to avoid confusion, particularly in complex sentences. Simplify where possible.
  • Pay attention to verb forms and agreement, ensuring consistency in tense and correct use of past participles.

Task Achievement3.0

The essay does not effectively address the task prompt, which is to summarize and compare information about road transport in European countries. Instead, it describes a graph related to exhibition visitors, which is unrelated to the task.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that the essay addresses the given task prompt about road transport in European countries, not exhibition visitors.
  • Identify and summarize the main features of the provided bar charts, focusing on travel per person by car, public transport, and commuting time.
  • Make relevant comparisons between the countries and the EU average as shown in the bar charts.
GRADED
4.0
Coherence and Cohesion:4.0
Lexical Resource:4.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:3.0
Band Score:4.0
Coherence and Cohesion4
Logical structure4
Introduction & conclusion present4
Supported main points4
Accurate linking words4
Variety in linking words4

Lexical Resource4
Varied vocabulary4
Accurate spelling & word formation4

Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4

Task Achievement3
Complete response3
Clear & comprehensive ideas3
Relevant & specific examples3
Appropriate word count3