BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF FOREIGN STUDENTS STUDYING IN ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRIES | 2004 VS 2012

Explore our detailed IELTS Band 5.5 essay sample comprehensively explaining how hydro-power is used in generating electricity. Delve into the intricate stages from water collection, electricity generation and transformation to consumption. Ideal for IELTS and energy science students.

Writing Task

The bar chart and table show information about students from abroad studying in four English-speaking countries in 2004 and 2012.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 3.0 Scoring and Feedback

The diagram shows how electricity is generated from the hydro-power. Overall, the electrical power is produced through a complex process involving over ten stages. There are four distinct sections, including water collection, electricity generation, electricity transformation, and consumption. The process begins when the seawater is heated through exposing to sunlight and then evaporates to form small clouds in the sky. In the next stage, small clouds merge into larger ones and rain. The water is then collected in the reservoir behind the dam. Electricity generation section comprises a valve, pipeline, turbine, and pump station. After valve opening, water flows toward the turbine using the pipeline and rotates it to generate electrical power, after which water is recycled to reservoir using the pump. The generated electricity is transferred to the transformer station through the use of high voltage cables. The process ends when the electricity is delivered to several consumers, including houses, industrial plants, educational centers, and Hospitals.
Words: 157Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/19/2023, 05:36 AM

Coherence And Cohesion3.0

The essay lacks coherence and cohesion, as it does not address the task prompt correctly and fails to logically organize information relevant to the given data. The essay describes an unrelated process of hydro-power electricity generation instead of analyzing the bar chart and table about foreign students in English-speaking countries. The paragraphs are not well-linked, and the essay does not provide a clear summary or comparison of the data.

Recommendations:

  • Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
  • Include an introduction that clearly states the purpose of the essay based on the task prompt.
  • Address the correct task prompt by focusing on the bar chart and table data about foreign students.
  • Organize the essay into clear paragraphs that describe the data, make comparisons, and summarize key points.

Lexical Resource3.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some precise terms related to the hydroelectric process, such as "evaporates," "reservoir," "turbine," and "transformer station." However, it lacks variety and precision in describing the data from the provided bar chart and table, which was the actual task prompt. The essay does not accurately address the task and instead describes an unrelated process.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate a wider range of synonyms and less common lexical items to demonstrate lexical flexibility.
  • Use more precise language to describe statistical changes and comparisons, such as 'increase,' 'decrease,' 'proportion,' and 'trend.'
  • Ensure the vocabulary used is relevant to the task prompt. Focus on terms related to student statistics and international education.

Grammatical Range3.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures with generally accurate use of complex sentences. However, there are areas where sentence structures could be varied further to enhance the grammatical range.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure subject-verb agreement is consistently correct, such as in 'electricity generation section comprises.' Consider revising to 'the electricity generation section comprises.'
  • Incorporate more varied sentence structures, such as conditional sentences or passive voice, to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical forms.
  • Use more linking words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly, improving the flow of the essay.

Task Achievement2.0

The essay does not address the given task prompt about foreign students in English-speaking countries. Instead, it describes a process of generating electricity from hydro-power. This results in a complete lack of task achievement as the information presented is irrelevant to the task.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure the essay directly addresses the task prompt by summarizing and comparing data from the bar chart and table.
  • Identify and report the main features of the data, such as trends and significant differences between 2004 and 2012.
  • Include relevant comparisons between the countries based on the data provided.
GRADED
3.0
Coherence and Cohesion:3.0
Lexical Resource:3.0
Grammatical Range:3.0
Task Achievement:2.0
Band Score:3.0
Coherence and Cohesion3
Logical structure3
Introduction & conclusion present3
Supported main points3
Accurate linking words3
Variety in linking words3
Lexical Resource3
Varied vocabulary3
Accurate spelling & word formation3
Grammatical Range3
Mix of complex & simple sentences3
Clear and correct grammar3
Task Achievement2
Complete response2
Clear & comprehensive ideas2
Relevant & specific examples2
Appropriate word count3
Grade Your Essay