BAND 4.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: COMPARISON OF NEWS ACCESS IN CANADA AND AUSTRALIA - MAIN FEATURES ANALYSIS

Explore our IELTS essay sample scored at band 4.5, discussing internet dependency and its impact on daily life. Drawing examples from Canada and Australia, this essay highlights the alarming increase of time spent online and watching TV. Discover insights for a healthier and more independent lifestyle away from the internet.

Writing Task

The pie charts compare ways of accessing the news in Canada and Australia.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 3.0 Scoring and Feedback

Our life more convenient, almost of us are becoming lazier. We have internet, not the only way to communicate with each other, but it has a lot of features which can active almost immediately. We become depend on it more. The examples for us is about Canada and Australia, you can see that the charts with color yellow and blue that are the time we spend to Online and watch TV. It takes a lot of our time but problaly we do not realize it - the thing is the most alarming this time.We have to look around our daily routines and do it reasonably. For our healthy future life and independece of the internet. We should write signs that makes us have more awarness about our problem now and post it on our school, work office , street, bus station, train station , gas station, supermarket and so on.
Words: 150Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/18/2023, 04:24 AM

Coherence And Cohesion3.0

The essay lacks coherence and cohesion, with ideas presented in a disorganized manner. The response does not clearly address the task of comparing the pie charts, and the connection between sentences and paragraphs is weak. There is a lack of logical progression and use of linking words.

Recommendations:

  • Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas, such as 'in contrast,' 'similarly,' or 'however,' to show comparisons and differences.
  • Avoid introducing unrelated ideas or opinions that do not directly relate to the task, such as the impact of the internet on lifestyle.
  • Begin with an introduction that clearly states the purpose of the essay, such as comparing the ways of accessing news in Canada and Australia.
  • Use paragraphs to separate different points or aspects of the data, such as one paragraph for each country.
  • Ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one, maintaining a clear flow of information.

Lexical Resource3.0

The essay attempts to discuss the reliance on the internet for news in Canada and Australia but lacks clarity and appropriate vocabulary. It uses basic language and some incorrect word forms, which limits the effectiveness of communication. The vocabulary range is limited and does not effectively convey the intended comparisons or insights from the pie charts.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate linking phrases and transitional words to better connect ideas and comparisons, such as 'similarly,' 'in contrast,' or 'on the other hand.'
  • Ensure the correct form of words is used, such as 'dependent' instead of 'depend,' and 'awareness' instead of 'awarness.'
  • Use more precise and varied vocabulary to describe data and trends, such as 'predominant' instead of 'a lot' for more nuanced expression.
  • Avoid informal language and phrases like 'almost of us' and 'the thing is.' Use more formal alternatives like 'many people' and 'noteworthy is.'

Grammatical Range3.0

The essay demonstrates limited grammatical range and accuracy, with frequent errors that may impede understanding. Sentence structures are mostly simple, and there are several grammatical mistakes, such as incorrect verb forms and sentence fragments.

Recommendations:

  • Correct verb forms and tenses, such as 'active' should be 'activated' or 'become depend' should be 'become dependent.'
  • Avoid sentence fragments and ensure each sentence is complete. For example, 'The examples for us is about Canada and Australia' is incomplete.
  • Check for proper punctuation use to improve sentence clarity and coherence.
  • Use a variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, to enhance grammatical range.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement is correct. For example, 'almost of us are becoming' should be 'most of us are becoming.'

Task Achievement2.0

The essay does not adequately address the task prompt, which requires summarizing and comparing the main features of the pie charts. Instead, it focuses on general commentary about internet usage and its impact on lifestyle, without specific reference to the data provided in the charts.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid general opinions or unrelated commentary that do not pertain to the data or task.
  • Directly address the task by summarizing the main features of the pie charts, such as the percentage of people accessing news online, via TV, and other mediums in Canada and Australia.
  • Include specific comparisons between the two countries, highlighting differences and similarities in news access methods.
GRADED
3.0
Coherence and Cohesion:3.0
Lexical Resource:3.0
Grammatical Range:3.0
Task Achievement:2.0
Band Score:3.0
Coherence and Cohesion3
Logical structure3
Introduction & conclusion present3
Supported main points3
Accurate linking words3
Variety in linking words3
Lexical Resource3
Varied vocabulary3
Accurate spelling & word formation3
Grammatical Range3
Mix of complex & simple sentences3
Clear and correct grammar3
Task Achievement2
Complete response2
Clear & comprehensive ideas2
Relevant & specific examples2
Appropriate word count2
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