BAND 4.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF SEASONAL FOOD SALES AT BRISK CAFÉ

Explore our comprehensive IELTS essay example presenting a yearly per capita spending analysis of college students from different countries. Our sample essay breaks down their expenses into accommodation, food, books, and leisure, helping aspiring test-takers understand how to effectively present and compare data in Band 4.5 level IELTS writing. Discover detailed insights and essential writing tips for your IELTS preparation.

Writing Task

The graph below shows the average daily sales of selected food items at the Brisk Café, by season.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 3.0 Scoring and Feedback

The table illustrates the amount of money that college students spend yearly per capita. From a cursory examination, it is evident that country A students are leading in spending money with a margin difference in comparison to country C and a significant difference to country C with a total spend of 1500$. To look closely at the data, it is considered that accommodation consists almost the most substantial porportion of their costs in A and B (45% and 35% respectively). However, it is ranked second in C where food stands first. Moreover, it can be noticed that books are account for the most insignificant cost in A with only 3%. However, this figure for C is near 20% which is high. To mention more details, the percentages of leisure cost could be stated since they all care about hobbies almost the same and the figures demonstrated this point. In this respect, 22,23, and 12 are related to A, B, and C in respect. Furthermore, majority of B and C spend on stuffs that mentioned and only below 5% could be spend on other things.
Words: 184Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/24/2023, 01:44 PM

Coherence And Cohesion3.0

The essay lacks coherence and cohesion, primarily due to a mismatch between the prompt and the essay content. The essay discusses student spending rather than the average daily sales at Brisk Café, which disrupts the logical flow and organization. There is a lack of clear topic sentences and logical progression of ideas, leading to confusion for the reader. Additionally, the use of linking words is inconsistent and does not adequately connect ideas or paragraphs.

Recommendations:

  • Employ linking words consistently to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
  • Organize information logically, ensuring that comparisons and contrasts are clear and relevant.
  • Ensure the essay content matches the task prompt to maintain coherence.
  • Use clear topic sentences to introduce the main idea of each paragraph.

Lexical Resource3.0

The essay contains a mix of vocabulary that is somewhat appropriate for the task, but there are noticeable issues with word choice and usage. Some terms are used inaccurately, and there is repetition of phrases that could be replaced with more varied language.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more complex vocabulary to demonstrate a wider lexical range.
  • Avoid repetition by using synonyms or rephrasing sentences. For example, replace 'spend' with 'expenditure' or 'cost'.
  • Use precise language. Replace vague phrases like 'stuff that mentioned' with specific terms.
  • Ensure vocabulary is relevant to the task. Use terms related to sales and seasons rather than unrelated topics.

Grammatical Range3.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures with several errors that affect clarity and coherence. There is an over-reliance on simple sentence structures, and complex sentences are often awkward or incorrect.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure consistent tense usage throughout the essay.
  • Review subject-verb agreement, especially in complex sentences.
  • Improve punctuation usage to clarify sentence boundaries and structure.
  • Use a wider range of complex sentence structures to improve variety and coherence.

Task Achievement3.0

The essay does not address the task prompt accurately. Instead of summarizing the graph on average daily sales of food items at Brisk Café by season, it discusses unrelated data about college students' spending habits. This results in a lack of task achievement as the main features of the graph are not identified or compared.

Recommendations:

  • Focus on describing the graph provided in the task prompt, highlighting the main features and making relevant comparisons.
  • Ensure that the content directly relates to the graph, discussing the sales of hot coffee, iced coffee, ice cream, soup, and salad in winter and summer.
  • Avoid introducing unrelated data or topics not present in the given graph.
GRADED
3.0
Coherence and Cohesion:3.0
Lexical Resource:3.0
Grammatical Range:3.0
Task Achievement:3.0
Band Score:3.0
Coherence and Cohesion3
Logical structure3
Introduction & conclusion present3
Supported main points3
Accurate linking words3
Variety in linking words3
Lexical Resource3
Varied vocabulary3
Accurate spelling & word formation3
Grammatical Range3
Mix of complex & simple sentences3
Clear and correct grammar3
Task Achievement3
Complete response3
Clear & comprehensive ideas3
Relevant & specific examples3
Appropriate word count3
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